“Fake It Until You Make It”: What It Means, Why It’s Flawed, and How to Actually Build Confidence

We’ve all heard it: “Fake it till you make it.” 

Maybe you said it before a big presentation, or whispered it to a nervous child before a school performance. It‘s always well-intended—but what does "fake it till you make it" actually mean?

At first glance, the “fake it till you make it” meaning is simple: pretend to be confident or capable—even if you’re not—until you’ve grown into that version of yourself. 

But when it comes to building confidence in children, we must ask: is this advice helpful, or harmful?

What “Fake It Till You Make It” Gets (Almost) Right

This phrase didn’t gain popularity by accident. The psychological idea behind “fake it till you make it” suggests that by acting confident, you might eventually feel confident. From a psychological lens, behavior influences mindset. And that’s partially true. At A Confident Mindset™, we agree: confidence doesn’t come first. Courage does.

We teach that children—and adults—need to begin before they feel ready. The act of doing, even while nervous, is a courageous first step. So, in this sense, “fake it till you make it” works for getting started. 

However, where this phrase lacks is that it overlooks the important elements of confidence building: practice, feedback, and reflection. Without those elements, we’re left with performance, not progress. 

Kids don’t need to fake anything. What they need to do is consistently practice, reflect on their efforts, and seek feedback as they improve and grow.

The Problem: Perform Now, Panic Later

“Fake it till you make it” misses the mark because it becomes a mask. This is where many well-meaning adults unintentionally push kids toward “imposter syndrome”. They appear composed on the outside, but inside, they feel like frauds. 

“Fake it till you make it imposter syndrome” is a rising search trend, and for good reason. Kids (and adults) who constantly pretend to have it all together often experience deep anxiety about being “found out.” This is especially true in classrooms, sports teams, or leadership roles where authenticity and emotional safety are lacking.

And when this strategy falls flat—as it often does—it leads to burnout and defeat. 

Without practice, support, or feedback, pretending just doesn’t empower. 

A Better Way: “Practice It Until You Make It”

So, what’s the alternative? 

At A Confident Mindset™ we say: “practice till you make it”. We teach children that confidence isn’t something you are born with, it’s a mindset built through courage, character, and commitment. These are the 3C’s of our self-confidence framework, designed specifically for kids and the adults who support them.

Parents, coaches, and teachers want to raise confident kids—but not at the expense of their emotional well-being. Authenticity matters. When children feel safe to try, fail, and try again—with support—they don’t have to pretend to be confident. They become confident.

Real-Life Confidence Isn’t “Fake”—It’s Built

If you’re a parent, educator, or a coach, you don’t have to settle for vague catchphrases. Kids don’t benefit from “shortcuts” to confidence. They benefit from taking action despite the risk, reflect and continue pushing forward. 

Instead of saying, “Just fake it,” try saying: “Let’s break this down, practice together, reflect on what we learned, and try again."

That’s how we raise children who are not just capable—but confident.

Want to Help Kids Build Confidence?

If you're ready to ditch outdated advice and support a child’s confidence journey with a proven framework, visit: A Confident Mindset™ 

We offer:

• Self-confidence courses 
• Confidence Coach certification
• Self esteem tools 
• 30 week K–8 school program

Frequently Asked Questions about “Fake It Till You Make It”

How can I help my child build confidence without them feeling like they're pretending?

Confidence doesn’t come from pretending to be fearless, it comes from doing the hard thing despite their fears. Get them involved in things that align with their interests. Stick beside them when they try. Celebrate their efforts, not just the outcome. Point out the moments they chose to show up, even when it was tough. 

What actually helps boost a child’s self-esteem?

Kids don’t need perfection. They need presence. Look them in the eye. Listen without interrupting. Remind them they matter, even when they mess up. Give them room to make choices—even small ones. Let them own their wins and their learning curves. And when they fall? Help them get back up without shame. Self-esteem is built, moment by moment, through connection, trust, and the freedom to grow.

Is it okay to tell my child to “fake confidence”?

It might help them power through a moment—but it won’t stick. And it won’t feel real. Confidence isn’t about acting like someone they’re not. It’s about becoming more of who they already are. So instead of telling your child to “just be confident,” give them the space to build it. Let them try. Let them stretch and surprise themselves—with you standing beside them. Confidence doesn’t come from faking. It comes from doing. Again and again. And realizing that they are capable.

How Can Educators Help Students Build Confidence?

Confidence doesn’t come from acing a test or getting a sticker. It comes from students knowing they can mess up, learn something, and still move forward. As an educator or a coach, you can create a space where students feel safe to take risks and brave enough to be seen. Praise their effort, not just the outcome. Use language that encourages growth over perfection. Let them reflect, speak up and try new things.